When Your Child is Different - You Feel Different Too

I haven't posted this past week because I've gone through a bit of a rough spot with being a mom. It's not that I'm new to being a mom. My oldest is almost 22 years old but one thing I've never quite come to terms with - being able to acknowledge when something needs to change with a child and accepting your child as they are. So many times my oldest would say to me - "Why can't you just accept that I'm this way? Why do you want to change me?"

Now, my Josiah doesn't talk that way but I grapple with this every day. Why does it bother me so much when he yells when he talks or melts down into a screaming puddle in the grocery store? Being told I should simply accept my child as they are... implies I don't want him or her to be any different than they are. I love all of them and those children that "need" more of me often get MORE of me. Yet, when they want to stay up all night, sleep instead of go to school or scream at me because I said "just a minute" - I know that I can merely accept the child as a person I love dearly but do not see them having successful relationships or achieving their dreams if simply let them BE however they want to be.

I know - I'm rambling.

I know - as a mom, loving acceptance is the measuring stick for great "momness" but these last couple weeks have not been easy for me to stay in that accepting mommy zone.

I've had to explain what this genetic disorder is way to many people while struggling with my own daily grief. My grief? That friendships, learning, family gatherings and every day stuff is simply HARD when a child is resistant, rough, loud or withdrawn, impulsive and destructive.

My six year old's mish mosh of "symtpoms" that look like hyperactivity, autism, defiance and obsessive-compulsive disorder all rolled into one makes my days chaotic at times. Then he has a younger brother that has learned that screaming, crying, hitting, throwing are just what you do when you want something or don't want something.

Then there is medication. We met with the child psychiatrist today for the first time since moving here. Since Josiah has always been a poor sleeper - difficulty falling asleep and waking often during the night, she recommended we get a handle on his sleep problems first. She also pointed out that she believes anxiety could be why he reacts so strongly to outings, activities with other people and playing with other kids.

I'm going to to be researching some of the medications she talked about and we have another appointment in a week. After trying Ritalin, then Concerta and now, the Focalin XR - I'm convinced that the Focalin has been the most beneficial to helping Josiah focus enough to "learn" what he needs to learn to be safer and be around other people.

That's the goal - being able to Be. Be a mom and enjoy your child while your child enjoys being a Kid!

Tam

Meltdowns, Water Guns and Birthday Cakes

Caleb's Birthday - Josiah's little brother turned 5 yesterday and this past week has had me in an absolute tizzy because my mother was held up in Florida so I was on my own with putting together a "kids" birthday party. For some that's not a big deal but for me, well - I never know how the boys will be, especially Josiah. Then - we just moved back home 6 weeks ago so I know very few parents here.

The parents I DO know were part of my social circle when I was raising the girls - they are now 21 and 20 so those parents have grown kids too! I have yet to run into one of them with little ones tearing up stores like mine. :-)

Anyway - long story short... the boys' daycare owner was able to give some invitations out to friends there so because of her kindness - we had 8 kids and they were kids already used to how Josiah can be. Phew!

Things went went until AFTER the actual party. Two neighborhood boys were still playing with the boys and surprisingly Josiah joined his brother in a squirt gun "fight" with the other boys. Stunned me that he would tolerate anyone squirting him with water! Granted, he had his face turned fully away from the boys as he squirted them. His eyes closed and face covered by his other hand but he did it.

Suddenly he decided to chuck his water gun completely out of the yard and into the street where a truck promptly crushed it. Here I was trying to tell him how dangerous it was while Josiah's loudly proclaiming "Did you see that? Blew it to bits! That was so cool - did you see that Mom?" No matter how many times I took his face to get his attention, he just kept talking about how he wanted to do it again.

I had to literally drag him into the house to keep him from trying to get down into the street to see the bits and pieces of the squirt gun strewn across the street. He just didn't get it.

The part that was hard for me was how he acts so wild while other kids are there just watching him. I get worked up inside because I keep thinking they consider him simply crazy.

He's flailing around, shouting about blowing up water guns and blowing up the whole world by throwing it in the street and all I was thinking was.... Look how fast everything shifted from being "normal" to out of control.

Because he wouldn't let it go and settle down, I had to send the boys home and bring in Caleb. To Caleb it's just what happens. Now Caleb has ADHD but not the same genetic disorder Josiah has. Because Josiah's speech has progressed nicely with three years of speech therapy - his speech is quite good. The problem is Josiah either refuses to speak for chunks of time or talks non-stop. Very little middle ground with him.

Many meltdowns yesterday with the family bithday party because Josiah didn't want to wait for anything. The boys are only 14 months apart so when Josiah is worked up - Caleb usually follows the same path. Then I have two kids crying, yelling, throwing things. The good news is it mostly happens at home because I'm careful to leave before it reaches that point.

I'm learning that just because I have a rough 15, 30 or even 90 minutes of absolute chaos with Josiah or both the boys - it doesn't last forever. It just feels like it.

Tam